God Hath Chosen…

God Hath Chosen

As I said in the first article, it was at the funeral that I met Deana. I remember seeing her at our house a few months before, but never talked, just said  hello when introduced to her by Chris. I always tried avoiding meeting people, in fear that I would say the wrong thing, or take something wrong, or worried about what they would think of me. I was not good around people, I still kinda feel this way, though some have said that I am not so bad, still I am scarred in that area probably worse than any other from my beginning. This is why I ran away in the first place, I just couldnt figure out how to socialize with other humans. Going off by myself for nine years did not help me figure it out either, it dug me in even deeper into myself!

At any rate, the next few lonely months were a very dark time for me. I started smoking pot, got to 3 packs of cigarettes a day (never did start back drinking though) being more and more lonely. But I was reading more of the bible, writing scriptures down, listening to some Christian singers like Dylan\’s Slow Train Coming album, Leslie Phillips, who were singing words that sounded like real reality, and not like I heard from of those Denominational Churches I had been attending with Chris when I couldnt get out of it.

It was in the December 1987, that I found Deanas phone number and called her, I didnt think she would talk to me but she did! What a refreshing in such a dry time, she said I could call her again. So that is where our relationship started. After many ups, downs, yes, no, no, yes, we were married July 16 1988 at Folkston, Georgia. And I already wrote about the exciting ride home in the first article.

Back there from January 1988 to April 1990, I did a lot of stupid things which I regret and am ashamed of. Deana was with me in most, I am sure she probably has similar regrets, but when it is all said and done, she is reaping what she sowed and so am I. Most of the time when we were around each other, was spent in disagreement, me being sarcastic, which really burned her up with all my logical musings and so on, and her telling me how I didnt have the right about one thing or another(which burnt me up) so I would eventually mosey on out to the garage and throw darts at the dart board, smoking cigarettes, listening to those Christian singers, then stopping to read some place in the bible, sometimes I would just stop and start crying(weeping even) when I would read about Jesus suffering, or reading how being a Christian was a suffering way, it seemed like what I was reading in the bible was not what they were saying at the churches I had gone to. I dont remember ever praying that God would show me anything, didnt think I was looking for anything, I didnt really know what was happening! I actually looked forward to my garage, darts, cigarettes and music that I would set the stage for an argument, so I could leave Deana on the couch watching TV, and I could spend the rest of the night out in garage.
The winter of 1989-90 Deana was pregnant with Patti, I had got a job at The Vogue warehouse as shipping clerk/ driver when I met Louie from The Jax Assembly, I also met another man from the charismatic church on the other side of town. This other man was inviting me to his church which I had gone to back in 1984 with Chris, I already knew I didnt want to go there. But this Louie, impressed me as being real. In January 1990 (I had already quit smoking the pot, that was not a real big deal anyway, I was not big time pot head) I found a book I thought was new(I didnt know it was a few hundred years old, never heard of it) called Pilgrims Progress I read it through pretty fast! I had only read 1 book all the way through in my whole life (except for comic books I read while on the uranium exploration rig I worked on in New Mexico in 1974)
that was the bible in the halfway house in 1986-87. I thought that was an excellent book, So I found more of John Bunyans books and read them too.
I kept doing my garage stuff till that day came, March 9,1990, the happiest day of my life! I decided soon after that JD needed to go to a Christian School, so we went to a few churches to check their school out, not really finding anything (nor really trying very hard either). April 6 1990 Deana said why dont we go to that church that you said that one man invited you to,, I said, Chris had told me that people from that same charismatic church the other fellow worker attended said it was a cult. Lets try it anyway! We did. Somebody there asked me after service if I had ever been to a church like this, I said oh yeah! I would soon find I was wrong!
No this is not a Cult church,(People tend to give the label cult to any group they don\’t understand.) one of the first things I realized was, I found myself right in the middle of reality. I had always, without answer, wondered, agonizingly, why I was the way I was. Why wasnt I liked of people and why I didnt like people. Well there is the answer, but not so easy for me to see with the warped eyesight I had at the time. Everything I was and thought, was warped, everything I did was based on warpedness, no wonder people saw me as kinda warped! I know I saw myself as warped, with my chemistry,my history, temperament, disposition, the way I saw things, I started out very insecure thinking myself worthless (which I was) then thrusting myself out to a life on the highway as a messed up teenager in the weird 1970s scene when hitchhiking along with the soon to be ex-hippy crowd, was popular, then becoming a lonely worthless bum (which was not popular) ending up a miserable drunk, going back home and losing my father with lung cancer, going through the many humanist therapy sessions with the AA groups, then the time with Christine, and what I was going through at that time with Deana hating me, I had lost any respect I might have had. Lost all my rights in my own house (except with Patti, as I wrote earlier) I cant hardly blame her though, look what kind of a miserable existence I was anyway!
I couldnt see it then, but I do now, God was dealing with me, I know He saw nothing in me, there was nothing to see. He was fixin to let me see something of Him!  But God hath chosen the foolish of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things that are mighty 1 Cor.1:27

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